What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:17
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Women like what they hear while men like what they see, it that true?
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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I write beautiful poetry .
Ive learnt so much.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When she asked me how she looked .
Comes on , in middle age.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Do straight guys like to see cocks?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Especially a lifetime of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
I was scared of men, in general
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It was going to be , some day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I waited trembling.
I don,t even have a pension.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I think the readers, may guess!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She loved him until the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was in good health!
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So whats the point in blame.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But, we were locked up after school.
I was very sick at this time too.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She found it foreign!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We were not on the streets..
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.